Please enjoy this excerpt from my book, Sanity Savers: For Caregivers at the End of Their Rope. This is the humorous story of the Pantyhose Principle:  asking for help when you truly need it.

Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away, there lived a young maid who cut her thumb doing something too stupid to mention here, and had to have microsurgery to reattach the nerve, requiring her right (primary) arm to be in a cast from fingertips up past the elbow for weeks. This was an amazingly annoying daily trial, causing the young maid endless aggravation and helplessness in doing even the basic activities of daily living -- particularly personal grooming. All the things one takes completely for granted, such as brushing teeth, getting dressed, showering and blow-drying hair became monumental challenges, exercises in logistics and planning. Now, picture this young maid trying to put on a pair of pantyhose with her left hand only; never mind why! It seemed necessary at the time. See her rolling around on the bed, breaking into a sweat and uttering some unladylike words with the supreme effort. See her husband rolling on the floor laughing as he watched. Of course, this only fueled the young maid’s fierce determination to do this silly task herself! Imagine her chagrin to have to admit defeat, swallow her pride, what little was left, and humbly ask for help before he lost consciousness from laughing too hard.
 
Alas, finally, with his help I, er, the young maid was wearing the pantyhose in the right places. 'Twas a very tough, humiliating lesson. Ergo, the wisdom of the Pantyhose Principle emerged.

This is a true story and reflects in a humorous way the challenges one can face as a caregiver, too. The lesson here is to just stop struggling so hard and ask for help. Simple, but NOT easy! Most caregivers start out feeling they must handle everything on their own and may find it difficult to reach out for help, but I hope you will remember the Pantyhose Principle if you are at a decision point. To avoid burnout, and provide better care, (plus keep your sanity safely intact) be attuned to when you are reaching a point of no return and ask for help. 

​Are you at the end of your caregiving rope? You can tie a knot and hang out there, swing back and forth, or learn how to make a hammock of support for yourself and your care receiver. Sanity Savers is a new e-book to support caregivers with practical tips, gentle self-care and self-nurturing techniques and a healthy dose of humor, to make life less of a struggle and more a loving learning experience. Learn how to live with high-level wellness and practice safe sanity, starting now...

In recently perusing the VA website, I discovered a virtual treasure trove of helpful tips and information of all kinds. You can find the homepage here. I have experience in working through the VA miasma of paperwork (20 years' worth with my mother, a WWII Navy Lieutenant, and now, just beginning with my husband, a Vietnam Vet). These resources are excellent, both in terms of general use and for navigating the VA resources. I have written several blog posts and a webpage to assist veterans and their caregivers in getting to the help available with the least amount of stress, strain and annoyance. These new VA tips are truly a departure from the usual obfuscation. In the past I have found it very frustrating to even locate any VA assistance my mother qualified for, much less learn how to establish it. Please see the Veterans page on this site, by clicking here. The VA information relates to Care for the Caregivers, Care for the Veterans, Tips by Diagnosis, Connect with Others, Tips & Tools, Publications &Resources. I have provide direct links to these pages.

I truly salute those who are caring for our veterans and hope these connections can help you to find the help you and your veteran need, deserve and have available to you. I am very heartened to see that there are ever more options, help for caregivers, assistance of all kinds. If you need additional help in accessing the resources available, I highly recommend contacting the county VA liaison person in your area. They know how to get through the red tape and deliver the information and help immediately (or at least sooner than you can probably figure it our yourself). God bless our veterans and those who are caring for them!

I just read an article published in The Guardian, titled "One Third of People Born in 2015 Will Develop Dementia" and I felt a shiver go through me - a mix of disbelief, dread and then a goodly portion of righteous anger. I think every single human with a beating heart who looks at the statistics, those cold, easy to ignore numbers, and applies them to the babies being born now can't help but cry out that we ALL need to do more to address this health crisis. There is a virtual tsunami of dementia coming if we don't find ways to stop it. It will swamp our healthcare system and there will be no where to escape it.

Research is, of course, necessary, and finally receiving some significant attention. But we can do more than that. Those who are children or caregivers of parents/elders with dementia know personally the devastating consequences that it can bring -- emotional, financial, in family relationships, in health of the caregiver. So, that multiplies the shivers by quite an exponential factor.

The truth is, there is almost NO one who is untouched by Alzheimer's in some way: whether it be a parent or grandparent, spouse, aunt or uncle, cousin or friend who is losing their personality and memory in excruciating pieces. Julianne Moore recently put a spotlight on the early-onset form of Alzheimer's in her award-winning performance in the film "Still Alice". And there are various groups vying for funds to support the cause in various ways. But I want to talk about what is within our power, each of us, as individuals, to defeat this disease. There's actually quite a lot that we CAN do, aside from shivering in disbelief.

Here are some of the most important, scientifically supported ways you can reduce your own risk of developing Alzheimer's disease:

1. Get adequate, good quality sleep--There's been a great deal of study of what happens in the brain during sleep. It turns out that our brains use deep REM sleep to empty the brain of "garbage" and to instill memories. So, this is one crucial thing over which most people have at least some control. Setting up a bedtime "ritual", going to bed and rising at the same time each day, avoiding caffeine and alcohol in the late afternoon/early evening, taking melatonin or herbal sleep remedies on those occasions when sleep eludes you. Also, avoiding the blue light from computer screens and electronic devices for a couple hours before bed (since that tends to reset the body clock's circadian rhythms and tricks your body into thinking it's morning). If you want more on this topic, please see my blog post: To Sleep Perchance to Dream. http://www.caregiverwellness.biz/wellness-blog/to-sleep-perchance-to-dream
2. Try relaxation, breathing exercises and mindfulness meditation. There is a 30-year medically researched body of data on the benefits of using meditation to reduce stress and clear the mind. This site has many articles on the subject if you peruse the categories on the right sidebar. I have made some personal recommendations for tools to use for helping to relax, let go, de-stress and find serenity. You can find them on the Research and Resources page, the Caregiver Support page, and in the Caregiver Store on this site. And here are some of my personal favorites for self-care ideas. Enjoy!
3. Eat a healthy, organic diet, cutting the carbs, and get out and move your body. Try yoga or Tai Chi. Do some combination of walking, bike riding or other cardio exercise, and avoid the sugar and pasta. I know. This is not for sissies. But there's ever more research pointing to the truth -- we've all been led astray in the low fat and fat free craze. It's actually carbs & sugar that are doing a number on our brains and adding pounds to our bodies. I refer you to Dr. David Perlmutter's recent books - Grain Brain, Brain Maker, and his Grain Brain Cookbook, for information and inspiration about how and WHY to change your diet. Now, I like chocolate and mac & cheese, and spaghetti as well as anyone, but after reading the serious research about what these foods might be causing -- well, it does make it a bit easier to limit them, if not completely give them up.

I'm going to stop here, though I could go on at length. The information is here, on this website and many others. I really implore you all to take your power back and act on that which you CAN control. Type II diabetes is at epidemic proportions, and this is something we can treat and reverse. 

So today, in honor of World Alzheimer's Day, won't you make a commitment to your own health and happiness by taking some steps to avoid Alzheimer's yourself? Do it for your own benefit and also for those who love and depend on you. Do it for your children to set a good, healthy example for them so they don't become one of the three people who will develop dementia. Whatever reason inspires or motivates you, just do it!

I have written often of the benefits of meditation, particularly when combined with music as a guided meditation experience. Now there is increasing evidence from mainstream medical research of what has been understood for thousands of years by wise teachers of many traditions: meditation is great for people!

The truly excellent thing about meditation is that anyone can do it, pretty much anywhere. It is easy, free (or very inexpensive if you choose to buy CDs or download guided versions), is proven as effective as pharmaceutical aids in reducing depression and stress, and has no side effects other than an increased sense of well-being and peacefulness. Click here to see the research done at Johns Hopkins investigating meditation as anti-depressant. What's not to love about that? The Mayo Clinic also published a newsletter article titled "Meditation: A simple, fast way to reduce stress" which gives an great overview of the subject .

Various forms of meditation have been taught, mostly in eastern cultures, and the practice has been growing by leaps and bounds in the west over the past thirty years or so. There have been a number of pioneeers in bringing the practice of mindfulness-based stress reduction (MSBR) to the west, including Jon Kabat-Zinn who founded the Stress Reduction Clinic and Center for Mindfulness in Medicine, Health Care, and Society at the University of Massachusetts Medical School. His clinic was featured on the public television series Healing and the Mind with Bill Moyers in 1993. Meditation has such incredible benefits that I believe everyone can find some help by practicing it. In my own experience as a caregiver, meditation and music, combined with fervent and frequent prayer, saved my sanity when it was hanging by a thread. I find it compelling that the list of benefits meditation offers so exactly corresponds to symptoms many (or most) caregivers experience. The only mystery to me is why more caregivers don't use this incredible tool for balance and strength. Which is why I am making it my mission to get this information out to those who need it through this website & blog, by writing, speaking, teaching, and otherwise promoting it. How often is there a perfect solution to so many of our everyday stresses just waiting for us to sit down and get quiet long enough to find its gifts?

If you'd like to explore the ideas and resources for meditation, please visit my Meditation and Music page on this site and also take a look at the ideas for Self-care and Caregiver Resource Store. I will also be publishing a book which further details resources and tools for caregivers: Sanity Savers for Caregivers at the End of Their Rope. You can add your name for an announcement of publication, which is targeted for March 2014. If you would like to read a chapter from the book about the uses of music and meditation, click here. I encourage you to explore the idea of various forms of meditation and find what appeals to you personally. In my 17 years of caregiving, music and meditation were the brightest jewels in the caregiver crown. Try it out. You have nothing to lose and so very much to gain! 

The RCI is a service unit of Georgia Southwestern State University in Americus, Georgia, and combines advocacy, education, research and service in supporting caregivers by promoting caregiver health, skills, and resilience. The focus is on helping caregivers cope with chronic illnesses and disability across the lifespan. This includes such a wide range (everything from autism to cancer, Alzheimer's to traumatic brain injury) that to get a full representation, I suggest you take a look at their caregiver resources page: www.rosalynncarter.org/ which features over 100 links to information and assistance sites. The programs of outreach include the Georgia Care-Net Coalition, which represents 12 regions around the state and serves as a voice for caregivers, the REACH program for Alzheimer's caregivers providing training and support in partnership with other organizations in 17 states, and Operation Family Caregiver, which provides free, confidential support, counseling and training for military family caregivers in-home, or via telephone or Skype. If you or someone you know could benefit from this program, call for information at (229) 931-2034.

The Summit featured keynote speaker Elizabeth Dole, who spoke eloquently on behalf of the million (yes, million!) military caregivers who are valiantly trying to cope with the approximately 725,000 veterans who are returning from the battlefield with both visible and invisible injuries and disabilities, including post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and traumatic brain injury (TBI). The urgent need is overwhelming the services the Veteran's Administration is able to provide, leaving so many families in dire straights. Elizabeth Dole has created a foundation to assist these many military family caregivers in coping with the crisis: Elizabeth Dole Foundation website

With Elizabeth Dole's inspiring and passionate words still reverberating in our hearts, there was a brilliant presentation by Gregory Fricchione, MD, Associate Chief of Psychiatry and Director Benson Henry Institute for Mind Body Medicine at Massachusetts General Hospital and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. Dr. Fricchione's presentation was simply amazing in its depth, scope and brilliance as he related very technical evidence of how the very evolution of the human brain over 120 million years influences those suffering PTSD and TBI. He communicated this complex information in such an accessible way and with humor and compassion that I found it truly engaging. I couldn't miss the comparisons of battlefield stress disorders with some of the same symptoms exhibited in the chronically stressed caregiver. Dr. Fricchione put it in context that was understandable and also hopeful. His funniest points were about the greater adaptability of slime mold (as compared to the human brain) and also, his opinion that the canine species was infinitely superior in unconditional love. (I think I agree with him about dogs! He even showed a video clip of his dog meditating - definitely a higher species!) I was vastly reassured that such brilliant researchers are bringing light to the issues we are facing. If you'd like more about this, his slide show may be found through a link on RCI's homepage for more Summit info. Without his charming quick wit and personality, it just isn't the same!

I was so impressed with the excellence of the programs and the caring compassionate hearts of the people involved. I met people from all over the world who are each working in their own way to support caregivers. There was such an atmosphere of hope, collaboration and cooperation and the convergence of politics, education, public support, private corporate sponsorship, recognition of excellence, community outreach and caring hearts -- I have never seen the like before. How could one not be inspired and uplifted?

I'd like to share a story about struggle that was told to me years ago by a minister friend and mentor. It touched me deeply at the time and still resonates. It's a message of hope for anyone who is struggling, a ray of sunlight shining through the tiny hole in the cocoon: (Story of the Butterfly as adapted by Paul Coelho)

A man spent hours watching a butterfly struggling to emerge from its cocoon. It managed to make a small hole, but its body was too large to get through it. After a long struggle, it appeared to be exhausted and remained absolutely still.
 
The man decided to help the butterfly and, with a pair of scissors, he cut open the cocoon, thus releasing the butterfly. However, the butterfly’s body was very small and wrinkled and its wings were all crumpled.
 
The man continued to watch, hoping that, at any moment, the butterfly would open its wings and fly away. Nothing happened; in fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its brief life dragging around its shrunken body and shrivelled wings, incapable of flight.
 
What the man – out of kindness and his eagerness to help – had failed to understand was that the tight cocoon and the efforts that the butterfly had to make in order to squeeze out of that tiny hole were Nature’s way of training the butterfly and of strengthening its wings.

As a caregiver, are you stuck in the cocoon, struggling to burst forth as a butterly, but utterly unsure how to do that? Does the cocoon feel dark and scary and more suffocating than nurturing? It's important to remember that we all have "caterpillar" moments -- times when we simply cannot envision the transformation that needs to happen for us to fly free. Don't give up hope! There's a bit of sunlight shining through to guide you. Have faith that the struggle will be over, you will triumphantly emerge, stretch your beautiful butterfly wings and soar!

No matter which of the above four categories outlined by former First Lady Rosalynn Carter you may fall into, there is little doubt that your life has been affected by Alzheimer's -- either through a family member, friend or spouse. I won't bombard you with statistics, since they are all over the media airwaves, thankfully so! But I want to point out the there are over 65 million family caregivers in the US alone, mostly women, struggling along as the unsung heroes or sheroes, as the case may be, who deal with this disease or others, daily.

I want to let you know that they need your help. Yes, I'm talking to YOU! This is not a disease which will allow cheering from the sidelines. You're going to have to get down and dirty, and maybe take a few hard knocks for the team and almost definitely get out of your comfort zone. If you know anyone who is dealing with Alzheimer's, for heaven's sake, help them out!


Here are some things you can do:

1. Give them a huge hug and a warm, sincere "thank you" for their love and care. Let them know you acknowledge how tough it can be. It will make both of you feel better.
   
2. Offer practical help: a couple hours of respite care so they can go to a movie or shopping or take a nap. Do their laundry at your house and deliver it clean and folded. Take their children out for an afternoon of fun at the park or zoo to give those "sandwiched" between elder care and child care a break on one end of the caregiving spectrum. Find information about resources available in your local area for support, respite, help and give them to the caregiver with encouragement to help them follow through.
  
3. Take a walk to end Alzheimer's on Saturday, October 19, when the Alzheimer's Association is sponsoring a national fund-raising event. Click on the Alzheimer's Association link above to sign up. Get your company involved in matching donations raised (if you work for a company so inclined).
   
4. Help start a Memory Cafe in your community. Here's a "Toolkit" guide for this very worthwhile project and more information about how successful they are and how easy it is to bring better quality of life to those with dementia. There are currently about 80 Memory Cafes around the US, mostly grassroots local efforts, and so very helpful to caregivers and those with dementia. The concept is really taking off in the UK, with excellent support from the government. Here, unfortunately, we have to do it ourselves.
   
5. Be an advocate for creating dementia-friendly communities, so that caregivers can take their loved ones out to a restaurant, shop, church, or other public event without feeling the terrible stigma that tends to pervade uninformed environments. It isn't that people aren't willing to be dementia-friendly. They simply don't know how. Educate yourself, then educate others. See the excellent resource "Aging, Dementia, and the Faith Community: Continuing the Journey of Friendship" by John T. McFadden, M.Div., Chaplain at Appleton Health Care Center in Appleton, WI)

6. Practice the Mosquito Principle: "If you think you're too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito." So, go ahead and be annoying to the decision-makers who can help to fund the end of Alzheimer's. Bother everyone you can think of and be very persistent in your efforts to help caregivers at the end of their rope, dealing with Alzheimer's. You CAN make a difference. Practice being mosquito-like. It can actually be fun, once you get the buzz, er, whine of it!

7. Introduce folks to this website which has a depth of resources, links, tips, advice and sanity-saving humor to help caregivers maintain their own well-being. There are helpful ideas about using music, meditation, aromatherapy, self-care, inspiring books, personalized playlists on iPods with www.musicandmemory.org, and so much more at www.caregiverwellness.biz.

8. Lastly, practice outrageous acts of kindness and caring for the people you love, and maybe for strangers, too. Use the Pay it Forward concept. Reach out and offer your support in big and small ways. Be vocal, be an activist, be a pain in the patooti, but be involved. If we are not, who will be?

I really believe that a crisis is an opportunity standing on its head to get your attention. I have had this proven to me in countless ways in my life, as, perhaps, have you. Many of those times occurred during my role as caregiver. There seemed to be an abundant number of crises available to test the theory at any moment of any day. I also recognize now, if not always during the actual crisis, that there was very little control I could exert over the particular crisis-of-the-moment, but there was always a choice in how I perceived it. I alone could determine how I "judged" or reacted to some urgent thing grabbing my attention.

So, having said that, did I always choose to view the crisis of the moment as a positive, as a blessing, as an opportunity for growth? Of course not. I have all the same human foibles anyone does -- actually, I may have more than the usual foible complement. But, I also have intelligence to examine, research and learn from what I encounter in life. I have a resilient spirit, which I nurture with good books, happy thoughts, humor, uplifting music, prayer, meditation and yoga on as regular a basis as I can manage. I have wonderful friends, family and community whom I can turn to when the going gets beyond tough into torture. So, I count myself very rich in goodness, even though, to an outside witness, my life might not appear to be so rich.

I want to share two books with you that have made a HUGE difference in helping me to find sanity, contentment, and insight so deep it kinda scares me! The two books are by one author, Alan Cohen, who is an incredibly gifted author, motivational speaker, life coach, and great human being. He has written 23 popular inspirational books (you'll find my four favorites below), been featured on Oprah.com and has a lively talk show called "Get Real" on HayHouseRadio.com. But, here's the thing. I think he transported via mental telepathy or something into my brain and came up with the exact stories & anecdotes, warmth & wit and spiritual nuggets of truth I needed and put them all in these two books. Really! I don't know how he did that! So, I think you should read them and let me know if you feel the same way.

His book, Enough Already: the Power of Radical Contentment, captured me right from the start with the subtitle - radical contentment - what an excellent concept! Perhaps this is what we all need to practice to counterbalance all the radical bad stuff in our world. His chapter titles are also priceless and funny: "Going Nowhere Faster, Desperation Repels, Where Few Have Gone Before, The Secret to Winning the Lottery". Are you intrigued yet? The book has the following blurb on the back cover: "In a world where fear, crisis, and insufficiency dominate the media and many personal lives, the notion of claiming contentment may seem fantastic or even heretical. Yet finding sufficiency right where you stand may be the answer to a world obsessed with lack. In his warm, down-to-earth, and believable style, Alan Cohen offers fresh, unique, and uplifting angles on coming to peace with what is before you." Hmmm. That's it in a nutshell - coming to peace with what is before you. Isn't that the magic key to a happier life? So, would you rather be happy or be sucked into seriousness? Would you rather see the opportunity or the crisis? Is finding a state of peace and contentment your goal or do you live in a world where struggle and lack are the only thing you can imagine?

If you answered "yes!" to the first part of the questions above, then this book is the radical, realistic, resounding roadmap to getting there. Find the opportunity in your crises and learn how to be "radically content". You won't be disappointed with this book, I promise!

The second of his titles which appealed greatly, is A Daily Dose of Sanity: A Five-Minute Soul Recharge for Every Day of the Year. Well, the title says it all. Who couldn't use a soul recharge that takes five minutes and leaves you feeling inspired, uplifted, lighter and a little bit more sane? I find the daily "doses" of humor, lively insights, anecdotes and quotes a perfect way to give me a needed boost, morning, noon or night. I refer to it often, and even find myself reading ahead (or behind) the actual day simply because I am intrigued by a title on the page. It's so wonderful to hear Alan's "take" on life through his lens of experience with guiding so many people to more empowering choices. How refreshing it is when something can open your heart and bring you clarity, insight, and a smile all at the same time? And in five minutes! Did I tell you this man is a miracle worker?

I have a great deal of respect and compassion for caregivers. It is a very challenging role, as I have often mentioned here. One of the reasons is that you have to be a "beginner" over and over, each day, each moment -- caregiving requires looking at your situation with new eyes and a fresh perspective, constantly adapting to changes. As I observe caregivers I find the ones who are able to stay in the "beginner's mind" are usually more successful and less stressed because, as the quote above attests, they are better at finding solutions.

Try using "beginner's mind" when assessing your own state of mental, physical, & emotional/spiritual wellness and how to adapt it to your unique relationships and care situation. You must trust your own instincts because you know yourself and your situation better than the "experts" do! There is plenty of expert advice about caregiving on the internet, in books and blogs, from doctors, friends and family -- but you know best how, or even whether or not, to apply it to your own life. Trust that inner knowing. Nurture it with whatever techniques appeal and work for you. My personal favorites for this type of nurturing are meditation, music & yoga, but you may find taking a walk in nature, riding your bicycle or going to the beach may work better. Be open. Seek to do what is necessary to stay in an attitude of being a beginner. You may find it's quite enlightening and exhilarating to keep open to new ideas, feelings, possibilities. There is a certain perfection in the present moment for each new "beginning".